The Adventures Of The Fabulous Four
He’s Just A Boy In A Band
He’s Just A Boy In A Band
The Very Beginnings
It started with a band, and it ended with a band. It was only fitting that music was the thing that brought us together, and kept us together.
We were all fans of the same band, diehard fans, that is what made us be so obsessed as to join the bands message board. We started out as strangers, completely unknown to each other, but as time progressed we got closer and closer, until it was undeniable that we were friends, best friends. The only problem for us, however, was that we were all separated by distance.
Megan (flockmaster) and Bec (searchingtheskies) both lived in Melbourne Australia, Bianca (beani19) lived in South Africa, and Moni (mywordsaremyfaith) lived in New Zealand.
The distance was all about to change, they were about to be thrown into a world together, for better, and for worse.
searchingtheskies
Life had become a stupid ritual, wake up, eat, go to sleep, the only thing that made my day to day ritual any different was the order in which those events took place.
University had been over for a while, and my summer job had come and gone. They so politely told me they no longer needed me as soon as the summer season came to an end. The job was just a way to get money to me anyway, I hadn’t even bothered to try to make any real friends with any of the people there.
So here I was, home alone, bored beyond comprehension and doing nothing.
Something happened to change my life, a friend from university called me up, they were in a band, a band I had seen so many times, I had even helped them out a few times. Why did he call?
They needed a new singer, they were sick of their old singers shit and wanted to see if I was interested. They had a small club tour of Australia coming up and they wanted to see if it could work. Being in the situation I was in there was no way I was going to turn them down; I would do anything to get out of this numbing ritual of nothing.
So the beginning of a new life started. I was singing songs, drinking, and sleeping in a van full of boys. I was living the life of a musician on tour.
I was the only person organized enough to have a laptop computer, so I soon became the only one with contact to the outside world, but more importantly, to home.
I found myself sending email after email to people I loved, just to keep them updated, and let them know that I was still alive. I also became the official blog poster on the band’s MySpace. It was only because according to everyone in the band, I was the best with words and I was the only one who was ever up enough to do it.
I was only awake so much because I couldn’t sleep.
Megan, being the only one of my close friends that was actually on the same continent as me, made it out to a few shows. They were mostly the Melbourne and Victoria shows, but it was still appreciated. The best thing about her, and my other two friends Bianca and Moni, was that they supported me no matter what. Everyone else told me I was stupid for doing this, but they told me to do what I wanted and if it was something that I wanted to do then they were there for me a hundred percent.
They were the reason I was so willing to try this out, after all, it was a small shitty club tour with four boys, there were a hell of a lot of reasons to not do it. But I did, and they helped me through every bump along the way.
The boys on tour were awesome too, we fast all became friends, and I found myself quickly adopted into the ‘little sister’ spot in the group. That was fine with me because it meant that I had four boys looking out for me wherever we went. Talk about feeling protected.
Email from searchingtheskies to flockmaster, mywordsaremyfaith, beanie19 on Wednesday 03-09-2008
Hey Moni MonMon, B Baby, and Meggie Moo (mwahahahahahahaha I used it)
How’s life treating you guys?
Fuck. I know it has been forever since I have come on the boards, and I know I am horrible at the whole facebook, livejournal thing, I am a crappy friend, I admit it. There!
As you know I have been as busy as all fuck. Life on the road with four boys is harder than it looks, and those pictures don’t do it justice. It’s night after night of shows, drinking, driving (obviously not together, duh!), sleeping, writing, practise and God knows what else.
And you know what, I LOVE IT!
I don’t actually know where we are at the moment, it being dark outside, Jack driving with his pod in and the other three sleeping. I am too nice to disturb anyone; I wish I could say the same for them.
I am so happy I conned myself into bringing the precious baby that is my laptop with me, otherwise I think I just might have gone insane. Well more insane.
What’s happening in your world across the ways there? Fuck I miss talking to you guys every night, but hey, this is getting us closer to that house where we can all live together, right? LOL.
Okay, I am going to stop rambling and try to catch some Z’s, I’m long overdue for a sleep.
Love you.
B. xo
P.S. having your period on tour with a van full of boys is not fun : [
Email had become my way of life, the easiest way to stay in contact with people and faster than sending postcard, which I did for novelty value when I could. Some towns had some funny names that needed to be sent to unsuspecting people. “Greetings from Bald Nob”, how can that not make your day???
After packing up my laptop, I curled up next to Ian, our bands very awesome drummer, and tried to sleep. Somewhere between Jack’s finger tapping, Ian’s snoring and the sound of the engine I finally fell asleep.
flockmaster
Why does my computer always make noises when I least expect it? Is it just to scare the absolute shit out of me???
After getting over the startling noise I noticed that my computer was trying to tell me that I had a new email, I am sure there was a better way to go about it, but I’ll save the reprimand for later.
You have one new email.
Well that was a new development, as if I didn’t already know.
I clicked open the new message, only to have my bad mood taken away from me. It was a message from Becca, and boy did I love getting these. They were always somewhat entertaining due to the fact that she was on tour around Australia with four boys in one van. Talk about some interesting times!
I must admit I was a little jealous, here she was having the time of her life and I was stuck here doing nothing but working as much as possible. There were bills to pay and what not.
It was weird having a friend on the road with their band, knowing someone who was starting to become part of the music scene that we had been admired for so long. It was something that I still wasn’t quite used to, I hoped that I got used to it soon though, because as far as I could tell, these guys were going to make it big. What that meant for us, I didn’t really know.
I had managed to escape away from my life for a few shows, which I enjoyed beyond comprehension. There is so much more of a connection and a thrill when you know the person on the other side of the microphone, when you’re there not only for the band, but with the band.
It was also great to escape away from university and my family for a few days. University was as much of a relief to get away from as it was to be free of my family, as much as I love them; I love our time apart too.
I wouldn’t say I have the best relationship with my parents, and I definitely don’t have the worst. It’s just that sometimes it can be really hard to stay unaffected by some of the things they say or do.
It makes me grateful for having these wonderful friends that I have managed to find. They always hear me out, no matter the situation, always are sympathetic, always willing to help. They never tell me I am ungrateful, or over reacting, they know how to make me feel better.
I was jerked back from my moment of self thought when my computer started beeping at me, trying to tell me that I had new messages. I turned the volume on the computer down and realized that Moni was messaging me. In my moment of life contemplation I had completely forgotten that I was on the computer, talk about spacing out.
searchingtheskies
If you’ve never performed in front of any sort of crowd then you’ll never know the electric feeling of being in front of an audience. No matter if they love you or hate you, there is no other feeling that can compare.
The breathlessness of being nervous, the sweaty palms gripping the microphone, the heat coming off the lights, the closeness of your band mates, there was nothing better. The applause, the adrenalin, the energy, it was something to very hard to forget and almost impossible to replicate when you walk off the stage.
How do you deal with coming down from a high like that? There is nothing that compares to the feeling and it gives you such an adrenaline rush that you don’t know what to do when you walk off stage. What could you possibly do that compares?
You do what all good rockstars do, you party. In our case it isn’t really partying, well, it is to us, but it isn’t getting trashed and feeling like shit the next day, or worse, performing hungover. The only thing that makes me feel like utter shit the next day is lack of sleep.
Our parties consisted of some people consuming alcohol, but they more involved insane amounts of sugar and stupid activities, like bowling, mini golf or even go kart racing. Of course, being the rockers that we are, we tend to get hands on in all games that we play, even board games, and wherever we go, so our ‘damages’ bills were a little high, when we paid them. Tonight of course was no exception to our crazy stunts. Most nights we really weren’t anything to wild, we’d hang out by the pool, or maybe go play some mini golf. It was rare that we really, absolutely trashed a place. To be brutally honest, our reputation was worse than it needed to be and the hotels that try to warn us about damages bills and what not really just induce their own pain.
We had decided that in honour of Jack’s birthday we’d go to the up class ‘micky d’s’ and then go and play a game of croquet. Of course, the game of croquet would be totally illegal seeing as we’d be breaking and entering. This of course would not faze anyone. It was Jack’s birthday and someone had come up with the ridiculous idea of playing croquet, so of course we were going to do it at whatever cost.
So, after playing the show of a lifetime, and giving the audience my all, I found myself sitting in a Mc Donald’s eating a less than average burger and throwing fries at the boy sitting opposite me.
“Would you quit it” said Ian, pulling a stray missile from his hair. “You are wasting perfectly good food.” Of course, he ate it, despite it having been in his unwashed hair. We were on tour; I can’t say his body saw soap on a regular basis.
“It’s fun to annoy you though” I shrugged. “Besides which, I am full.” I threw another one at his head. He sighed to himself and took the box that was half full off me. I let out a gasp of mock outrage.
“You need to learn to eat” he replied. “It’s like you eat oxygen. At least you’re not one of the 20-something year olds who are playing in the playground right now.”
“I could be” I replied slipping to the edge of my chair.
“Don’t you dare leave me alone here on my birthday with Ian!” whined Jack.
“Sometimes you guys are worse than teenage girls. Would you just get over the fact that he broke your guitar string? Just. Get. Over. It.” I sighed. I hated playing mediator.
“No” replied Jack in a huff. I rolled my eyes, boys will be boys and all that shit, but it was just a guitar string.
“ICE CREAM!” yelled Pat shoving ice cream into my face. There was no way he was getting away with that, it was war time.
mywordsaremyfaith
You know what I hate about my life right now?
The fact that I live in New Zealand. If I could live anywhere else right now it would be Australia. Not only are some of my favourite people in the world there, but one of my friend’s band, whom I undeniably love, are on a tour. I’d kill to be able to go to one of their shows.
It didn’t help that Bec kept a blog and Megan had been to a few shows, this just meant that I lived vicariously through them and just wished that I had been there. It didn’t help that I adored the band and their music, I think I was just as desperate to see them live as I was one of the ‘famous’ bands that I loved.
I couldn’t see them live though, I lived miles away, I had no money, and international road trips were not something my mother would at all approve of. I might be 20, I might be an adult, but no matter what age you are, there are still ways for your mother to rule your life.
Sure she might be my mother, but that did not mean that I always had to like her. Sure, I’d always have that family love for her, but I would not at all still like her. Sometimes I just couldn’t stand the things that she does, especially the things involving me.
The fact that one of my best friends was in a band that was popular enough to have a tour around Australia made me realize how boring my life was in comparison. I mean, I wasn’t in a van with four other guys driving around the country playing music to crowds of people. Instead of being interesting like that, I was sitting here in front of my computer.
Bec says: Mon Mon!!!!!
Moni says: OMG hey!!!!
Bec says: How’s you?
Moni says: good, how are you? OMG it has been forever!
Bec says: I know, I blame a certain someone. –glares at Jack-
Bec says: I am good, tired, but good. We stayed out late last night for said evil persons birthday.
Moni says: LOL
Moni says: sounds like fun. I wish I had of been there, I’m sure it would have been a blast.
Bec says: it was a bit of fun. There was a food fight, and a few other things that we will never relive or mention. >.< size="2">searchingtheskies
Cause I’m still breathing, though we’ve been dead for a while
This sickness has no cure
I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and focused on the road ahead of me. The music was blasting loudly in my ears, loud enough to make sure that I don’t fall asleep.
We’re going down for sure
Already lost grip, best abandon ship
I would have been singing if all the others hadn’t been asleep. It was one of those things I did to calm myself down, to relax; it was like my own form of therapy.
Tonight it was just me and the road, all the boys were asleep, so I had to entertain myself. It was a long drive to the next town we were playing in. The greatest thing about being on this tour right now was the fact that we had organized it, we had made it, no label, no record company, and we did it. There was a huge sense of accomplishment that followed that.
Sure the venues were shitty, but the crowds were fantastic. Sure, we had to crew, but we could set up and pack up easily. These were the times that were going to either make us or break us as a band and so far I was loving every single minute of it, smelly van and all.
We had spent weeks on the road, rocking up to venues, rocking out and moving on. It was like a marathon, and we were all starting to get tired, but it was like a drug. Touring was like an addictive drug, in the beginning it was all amazing highs and fun, by the end it is still fun, but the high isn’t as good and it is taking a toll on your body. This tour was sure as hell taking a toll on us all, even those of us who were not even on tour.
To say I missed my friends was an understatement. I barely functioned without them, and now I found myself barely being able to talk to them. The feeling was like being left outside all alone. There was nothing else to it but simply missing home.
“Hey, you want me to drive for a while?” I turned to the source of the voice. It was Jack, the self proclaimed guitarist extraordinaire.
“Nah” I replied. “I’m okay.”
“You look tired” he said climbing into the front passenger seat. It was amazing how much your body accommodated to its living confines. We had all become able bodied and more than capable of twisting our way through even the most awkward of spaces.
I just shrugged in response.
“Can’t sleep?” he asked. Jack had taken the place of my closest friends as the person I talked to. He and I were definitely the closest of anyone in the group.
“As usual” I shrugged.
“Well can you at least let me drive, I’ve slept” he replied. “It’s a safety issue.” I rolled my eyes, he was always concerned.
“Please?” he pleaded. “I am currently enjoying my life and I kind of don’t want to die just yet.”
After some more constant nagging, I finally gave in and let him drive. It was good; it meant that I didn’t have to concentrate on the thought of driving anymore. I sat in the passenger seat with my head resting on the window, watching the dark countryside pass us by.
“Are you okay?” asked Jack.
“Yeah, I guess I am just homesick” I shrugged. It was true, I was missing my friends more than ever, I was even missing my parents.
“Yeah, I’m a little the same” he replied. “I know, it does nothing for my tough guy image, so if go telling everyone I can no longer be your friend and we will have to be sworn enemies forever.”
“Your secret is safe with me” I laughed. In truth, no matter what was going on or however I was feeling, Jack seemed to be the only one who could cheer me up appropriately. He never went too far, and he ignored the topic when he needed too, but when he thought it was needed, he hit the topic head on. He was like a best friend.
beani19
Stupid boys! Why did God have to create such senseless, emotionally devoid creatures? Why?
One minute the relationship is going great, it is all smooth sailing, the next he rips out my heart and tells me it’s not working.
I gave him so much of my life, so much, and he gave me nothing in return. Nothing.
It was times like these that I felt blessed that I had the girls. Those three stupidly funny and fantastic girls, they were the ones that were always there for me through thick and thin. I just didn’t know how I was going to tell them that we had broken up, I mean, it was still a shock to me. I really didn’t know what to do.
mywordsaremyfaith
I hated my job; there was no other way to put it. I know hate is a strong word, but God, I hated my job. It was one mindlessly numbing activity after another, not to mention the fact that I had to deal with absolute assholes all day. Fuck!
All I really wanted was a plane ticket to Australia; I wouldn’t even care if it was one way. A change would be good for me; a change is what I needed, a change is what I wanted.
If my job wasn’t stressful enough, I had to come home to a house where my mother was in one of her ‘moods’. That meant that she was on the war path and there would be no doubt that I was the one who would be in the firing line. It was days like these when all I really wanted to do was escape, I wanted to drop everything and just run away. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to be part of this anymore.
Email from searchingtheskies to mywordsaremyfaith on Tuesday 23-09-2008
Hey MonMon,
Sorry that our last conversation was cut so short, I really needed to hit the hay. Not that I slept well anyway. It is seriously like sleep is my constant enemy, I can never seem to get enough of it, and then when there is that rare time when I actually can sleep, I get too much of it. Either way it doesn’t stop the feeling of me being exhausted.
Of course tour is going great, I mean, how can it not be?
I miss you guys like crazy. I really miss being able to talk to my girls every night. I never thought I’d say this, but I actually miss my family too. I’ve been so homesick of late, or at least that’s what I think it is. I have been feeling a little down, but nothing too different from normal. I am just kind of worried that maybe, at this important part in my life, just when the band has started to take off, that things are going to fall apart and I am about to go downhill.
I’m sorry to dump all that on you, but you know, I thouth you’d at least understand where I am coming from. Hopefully. And then you could tell me that I am not crazy or a freak.
Jack is telling me that it is normal and that it’s okay to feel this way, but God, I love the boy, but I wish you guys were here. Somehow I think that would make me feel a little better. It just means that I have to become stupidly famous so that I can always take you guys on tour with me. Wouldn’t that just be awesome?
So of course, I know that you’re not up at this stupid time. I am only awake because I can’t sleep.
Jack is currently driving; he kicked me out of the driver’s seat when he saw that I was tired. Truthfully I don’t blame him.
Argh I crave female company! I am not ashamed to admit it. I mean, I spend the majority of the day in a van with four other boys. I NEED FEMALES BACK IN MY LIFE, THE TESTOSTERONE IS OVERWHELMING!!!
Anyway, I guess I should try to sleep. Sorry for the pointlessness and vagueness and the lateness.
I love you. B.
I just stared at the screen blankly. No matter how many times I read it, I still couldn’t compute it all with the background noise of my mother and sister fighting. God I wish they would just give it a rest, but I know that if I get involved my life will be at risk.
I blocked them out with the best of my ability and re-read the email that I had read at least 3 times already. I missed Becca, really I did, and it was kind of a thrill to get an email from her, no matter the content.
searchingtheskies
Walking off that stage tonight
All I can hear is you
The ringing in my ears
And all I hear is you
Blinded myself on that stage tonight
All I can hear is you
The pounding in my chest
All I hear is you
You’re the voice inside my head
There is nothing worse than sitting and waiting for someone to get back to you. We had been sitting here for half the day waiting. It was like some new age form of torture.
Jack had just about worn the floor out with pacing and I was just about tearing my hair out with impatience.
This was an important call; it would make us or break us. Some industry people had caught wind of us and offered to sign us. It wasn’t a great multi-million dollar deal, but it was definitely a start. It meant that we could actually use a proper studio and make a proper record for our fans. It also meant that we would be getting a little bit more mainstream exposure, meaning that we can expand our fan-base, and maybe even go on a better tour.
It wasn’t that this tour wasn’t awesome; it was more that maybe we could actually have something that resembled a proper tour bus and even book some bigger venues. That would make the experience even better.
I was trying not to invest too much into this offer, it may all just fall through, but it was hard not to when this was so much a part of the life I was living, and so much a part of my future.
“I can’t take the suspense” sighed Jack flopping into a chair. “I mean, what if this really happens? What then?”
“Then we go and make a kick ass record” I replied, my eyes not moving from the laptop screen in front of me.
“A real record” he sighed, his eyes glazing over.
“Don’t get too excited dream boy” said Ian, “it hasn’t happened yet.”
“Yeah” added in Pat. “Besides, it’s not like they are offering us millions of dollars. We will be on a pretty tight budget.”
“Hey, we know how to make a dollar go far” I smiled.
“Stealing is not an option” laughed Ian.
“I have never stolen a thing in my life” I replied in mock outrage. I hadn’t ever shoplifted, I might have permanently borrowed a few things from friends, but take something without paying, never. I have too much of a conscience.
“I may have aided and abetted” I added as an afterthought, I could feel four pairs of raised eyebrows on me.
“That’s more along the lines of the truth” laughed Freddy. I rolled my eyes, something I had become rather good at since starting this tour.
“Okay really, why hasn’t he called?” whined Jack.
“You sound like a needy girl after a date” I laughed. “’Why hasn’t he called? He said he was going to call! Oh my God why hasn’t he called me?’”. Three pillows hit me in the head simultaneously.
“If you break my laptop you are buying me a new one” I said, putting one of the pillows behind my head. One last pillow came out of nowhere and hit me in the neck.
“I thought you were my friend Jack” I said in mock outrage.
“You thought wrong” he smiled devilishly. I couldn’t help but laugh. He was just about to retaliate to my laughter when the phone rang. The whole room went silent, all of our hearts skipping a beat.
flockmaster
Today was so shitty. Oh, it was beyond shitty. My job sucks, I have to be honest, and it really does. I think loyalty and the fact that I need constant income is the only reason I am still there. It’s not like I ever thought that being a check-out-chick was going to be fun or glamorous.
I think my job would suck a little less if my ex-boyfriend didn’t work there. There is only so much sexual innuendo, bad jokes and stupid looks that I can take in a day. He uses them all up in a matter of seconds.
In truth we ended things on very good terms, as far as break ups go. It didn’t stop him from being any less annoying though. Sometimes the whole male species could be annoying though.
mywordsaremyfaith
I hate my birthday, truly I do. It’s the one time of year that I know my mother is going to do something to upset me. It’s the one time of year I know that I will go to bed crying, or that I know I will feel completely hopeless.
The only person I felt I could talk to at these times was Bec, but she was so far away right now I don’t know if she could help. We share something in common that bonds us closer than most other people. We both suffer from depression, maybe not as badly as some, and maybe not as bad as each other, but the fact that she knew vaguely what I was going through made it so much easier for me to talk to her. It’s easy to pretend with everyone that it is okay, but when you’re talking with someone who knows all the signs, it’s those times that you end up being the most honest.
Being able to talk to Bec doesn’t stop it though. It doesn’t stop the nights where I sit with my back against the wall, tear stained cheeks, wishing for it all to end. It doesn’t stop the pain, it doesn’t stop those thoughts. It doesn’t change anything.
Sometimes I feel like being born was a waste of time. According to everything around me I wasn’t living my life right, I wasn’t normal, wouldn’t the world just be better off without me?
That was how my family made me feel anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I ran away and lived with the girls that I was so close with, the girls that I wished were my family, that suddenly everything would be okay. Suddenly my life would change and suddenly I’d be happy again.
It had been so long since I had been happy, so long since I was genuinely happy and not acting, not masked to the world.
I think if you’d lived my life, if you’d experienced the things that I had you’d hate your birthday too. Every year without fail my mother would put her foot in it and do something horrible. This year was no exception.
This year was worse. This year she said something that has been ringing in my head all night.
“You’re a waste of space Monique, you’re a waste of space and oxygen” her words were ringing in my ear like a high pitched scream. Was it true? Was I really that pathetic that I shouldn’t even be allowed to breathe?
I could feel the familiar burning in the back of my throat as the tears started to build up in my eyes. My vision was slowly getting blurrier and blurrier. Here I was again, alone, in the dark and crying.
beani19
It’s so hard to lose something that you’ve had for so long. For so long I was the girl in the relationship, the girl with the boyfriend, the happy one. I’d have never thought that I would be the one with the broken heart.
I love you, I honestly do, but I think we need a break.
How can he love me and still do this to me? If he loved me he wouldn’t need to do this.
Breaking up is a hard thing to do. I feel like I have lost a huge part of myself, I feel as if my heart had been cut out and all I have is this huge hole.
Never in my life had I ever felt that I needed to get out of here more. I need to leave this place. Everywhere I look I am reminded of him, I am reminded of us, I am reminded of what is gone.
It wasn’t you, this has nothing to do with you, it’s me. I promise you it is me.
I feel so disjointed from everything. I feel like the very reason I was living, my purpose, I feel like it has just vanished.
I just can’t do this anymore.
searchingtheskies
I couldn’t help but scream it rang throughout the entire room, breaking the silence.
“Are you fucking serious?” I screamed at Jack. “Are you fucking serious?”
“This is for real princess” he shouted back. I screamed again and ran at him. This couldn’t be happening to us. This stuff only happened in dreams, in stories, in fairytales; this sort of thing didn’t happen to people like me.
In seconds I was lifted off the ground, in seconds I was spinning through the air. I felt like I was part of some dream, I felt like everything was happening to me and I was sitting in the corner watching it all unfold.
“This is so fucking surreal” said Freddy. “We are now a signed band, a fucking signed band.”
“Jesus Mary and Joseph” I exhaled, flopping back into a seat. “This is so a dream, I’m going to wake up any second now.”
“I think we need to have a party” said Pat, smiling at us all.
“Any excuse” I laughed.
“But now we have the ULTIMATE excuse” he smiled even more.
“I guess it is party time then” smiled Jack. I just nodded.
If there was any time to celebrate something it was now.
I felt like I was a little girl again and it was the night before Christmas. I had that excited knot inside my stomach, making me nervous. I was nervous for all the right and wrong reasons. Was this the beginning of something beautiful or the beginning of a disaster?
It was the suspenseful moment in the movie, the music at fever pitch and you have no idea what is coming around the corner.
“Wait, does this mean we officially need to get a manager?” I asked. The boys all looked at me.
“For once in your life could you not be the responsible one and just fucking party, we will think about that shit tomorrow. Actually, tomorrow we will be sleeping, but the day after” replied Pat.
“I was just thinking out loud” I shrugged.
“Well stop thinking!” said Jack grabbing me by the shoulders. He knew better than to ask me to stop thinking, he knew exactly how hard it was for me to turn off my thoughts. In fact, I could be certain that I can’t, falling to sleep is my worst enemy, I can never stop thinking.
beani19
The worst thing to do after a break up is to try to live. Every single thing reminds me of him, everywhere I look memories flood back, memories of the good times, of the bad times, memories I want to forget.
I put my trust in him, I let myself go, I fell in love, and this is what I get, a broken heart. I can’t say it feels worth it.
I have been trying to keep my life going on as if nothing has happened, I am trying to act normal, but every task is a struggle. I feel empty.
I had been working for the last three hours, but I don’t think I’ve done any work. I am sitting here trying not to start crying. I don’t want to be at home right now because I know that being there would just make me feel worse. At least at work I can try to distract myself, even if I am failing right now.
I feel like I can’t talk to the girls right now either, almost like they aren’t there for me. I know it is not intentional; I blame the physical distance between us, not them. We are in different time zones and they have their own lives, I just wish I could talk to them, cry on their shoulders.
mywordsaremyfaith
This morning I had the pleasure of waking up on the floor in the bathroom. My back was aching and my throat was burning. I knew the feeling; I had spent the entire night crying, spread on the floor.
I am so glad that I the bathroom door has a lock; I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to find me in that state. That state is my little secret, my burden, I don’t want anyone to know.
No one questions why I always wear pants, why I always wear long shirts, why I always wear long sleeves. In that respect I am lucky, people don’t question me, but if they knew the truth behind everything, I am sure they’d freak out. They’d want me to get more help; they’d want to make a fuss. I don’t want attention, I don’t want anyone to notice me, I want to be left alone, I want to be invisible, I want to fly away.
I feel so stuck in this place, like I am in a walled room and there is no way out. It’s suffocating me.
I was ripped from my own pity party by the distinct sound of my phone ringing. I starred at the flashing screen, debating if I should bother answering it or not. The shrill sound of my ringtone made me give and pick it up.
“Hello?” I mumbled into the phone.
“Pack your fucking bags” came a yelling voice from the other end of the phone. They sounded more than drunk and there was a whole lot of yelling in the background. I didn’t even know what to do.
In a bit of a daze I looked at the caller ID only to be told that it was a ‘private number’. Confusion washed over me.
flockmaster
“Have a nice day”, fake smile, pack bags, fake smile, “have a nice day”. It’s an endless ritual of bullshit. Anyone that thinks being a checkout chick is at all glamorous is seriously deluded. This is the most painstaking and boring job on earth.
The only reason I am working so much is because I need the money. I have bills to pay and another semester of university coming up. Student life sucks; whoever said that it would be the best years of my life was seriously high on something. The lack of money, the stress of exams/assignments is horrible, the lack of time for anything, and the fact that on top of all of my study load I have to travel obscene amounts of time to get to university or home and work when I can to get money to pay for everything, it’s all just fucked up. Not to mention the fact that even though I am scrapping around to survive now, I am building up and bigger and bigger debt through my student loans.
Life is frustrating.
My ritual for calming down after work was to log onto the computer and talk to the girls. Everyone has been so busy lately that it has been kind of hard to do, but I’ve still had the boardies to talk to, which has helped.
You have 1 new email.
I was surprised at the fact that I had a new email. I had only been away from the computer for three hours to work an extra shift at the place commonly referred to as hell. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked it open straight away.
Email from searchingtheskies to flockmaster on Friday 15-10-2008
Hey Meggie Moo,
Holy fucking Jesus H. Christ! You’ll never guess who just had the best possible fucking day of her life?!
Oh wait, that sooooooo gives it away, but I don’t even care. Megan you have no idea how happy I am right now. I feel like my body is about to split into two from happiness.
WE FUCKING GOT SIGNED!
I am not even joking. We are now a signed band. Fuck, you have no idea how awesome that is to type.
I am part of a signed band, I am part of a signed band. I AM PART OF A SIGNED BAND!!!!!!
Okay I am going to stop freaking out on you. But I needed to tell you. Oh my GOD!
Okay we are going to go and PARTY right now, I mean, SERIOUSLY. WE ARE SIGNED!
I love you long time.
-B.
P.S. OMFG WE ARE CUTTING THE TOUR SHORT DUE TO BEING SIGNED AND I AM COMING HOME NEXT WEEK!!!!
I think my heart just fucking exploded. I don’t even think I am breathing right now.
searchingtheskies
“Pack your fucking bags” I screamed into the phone. I didn’t know if it was a scream or a slur, whatever it was I know she could hear me. I half fell and half flopped onto the couch in front of me, life was about to get a whole lot better for all of us. That was, at least, the only thing I could hope for.
“We got signed Mon” I managed to slur out, somewhere in between the greeting confusion and the concern. There was no better way to explain anything than to simply state that I was drunk. I had been drinking all night with the boys, something that is very out of character for me, but nevertheless I did it.
We I got drunk it usually lend itself to some sort of drama or disaster. Usually it would be something slightly simple like a phone call to a friend in which I would be brutally honest. Occasionally it had lead to some drunken kissing, or even worse. One time it took me to an almost suicide moment. I guess it could be plainly seen why I avoid the stuff.
The fact that my family, extended included, abused it to its fullest probably didn’t help. In truth I had a love/hate relationship with alcohol. When I was drinking it I loved it, but when I wasn’t, I hated it.
Somehow I managed to avoid the concern and good-willed lecture from Moni and returned to my state of partying. It didn’t matter what she said to me, in five seconds I would have forgotten it, and by the morning it wouldn’t even be part of a memory.
I was secretly hoping that being signed would mean that I could bring together all my friends for the first time, that I could take away all our problems and that we could all live happily together. No matter what was going on, I needed to believe that this would happen. I wanted it so bad. I wanted to wake up tomorrow and have everything be perfect, but I know all too well that perfection is only a myth.
flockmaster
I have been trying to calm Moni down all night. She called me frantically, speaking in a rush and almost screaming at me.
She was worried, which was a normal reaction for her, she had a tendency to over analyse things and in some cases over react. Except in this instance it took me a good ten minutes to even come close to what she was talking about.
She had every right to be worried though, Bec had called her completely wasted. At our age you’d think that it would sort of be a ‘normal’ thing, or at least something that wasn’t completely unexpected, well for Bec, it wasn’t right.
She never drank. I mean never like never, and if she did, it was rarely, if at all, to excess. Something had to be wrong for her to over indulge. It had happened a few times, and each time it had ended badly, and been induced by something even worse. All this, of course, lead to the worry and concern.
“Mon calm down, I know it isn’t exactly like her, but hey, they just got signed” I soothed Moni. This international call must be costing one of us something ridiculous.
“Megan she never drinks” replied Moni, “never as in doesn’t. I know they got signed, but celebrating for her is baking food for everyone else to eat or going and indulging in expensive ice cream. The girl doesn’t drink!”
“Maybe she decided to let loose for a night or something” I replied. “I know she doesn’t always do it, but getting signed is a big deal.”
“Megan, her getting drunk is a big deal” replied Moni. “She could barely even string a sentence together.”
“She has trouble stringing a sentence together at the best of times” I replied, I was trying to joke to make the situation less tense. It usually didn’t work and just ended up making things awkward, despite lack of trying on my part.
“Megan I am worried” Moni said.
“I know Mon, and I’ll talk to her, but I don’t think we have much to be worried about” I replied to her concerned tone. I was trying my hardest to diffuse all this worry, but she wasn’t budging.
“Well, can you at least make sure she is okay and let me know?” she asked.
“Of course. I’ll call her tomorrow, and I bet she’ll have a hangover but that is it.” I smiled; a hangover was like God’s way of telling you that you’ve gone too far, it was like a hidden punishment. It didn’t matter if you knew it was coming though, it rarely stopped anyone from doing it.
mywordsaremyfaith
It had been three days since Bec had rang me, three long days.
In my mind I had every right to be worried. Here was a girl whose world was being turned upside down, here was a girl who never drank, and there she was, ringing me in the early hours of the morning completely wasted. I think I have right to worry.
Megan tried to play it down, tried to calm me down, but it didn’t work. I faked it for her, made her believe that I was fine when really I was being eaten up inside with worry.
On the one hand I was happy for her; her life was starting to come together. On the other hand I was worried, her life might seem to be coming together, but I know that it can also be the time that everything else starts to fall apart.
I knew her well enough to know that everything was not okay in her world, whether she was letting people know or not.
beani19
Something happy has come from all my wallowing. Bec got signed. This is the happiest news I’ve had in a long time and I can honestly say that I am beyond stoked. She deserves it more than anyone, and I know the things she has been through to get to where she is.
I also know that music is her passion, and she can write a song that rivals many of the famous musicians that are going around.
Maybe this was a sign that everything was looking up, maybe it was a sign that everything was about to fall apart. I don’t care; as long as it is a sign that something other than this pain is coming I am all in.
My life was slowly returning to normal, the crying was becoming less and less. I had to make it through this, there was no other option, and I had no other options.
searchingtheskies
My head was still ringing from the events of the past few nights. As a band we had gone on a few benders, celebrating mainly, and I have been getting caught up in everything.
I’ve done things I promised myself I wouldn’t.
Every night I find myself in someone else’s bed with no recollection of how I got there, at least so far I have managed to stay fully clothed. I don’t know what all this was about, but I think I am getting slightly out of control.
Suddenly our actions have no consequences; our label is picking up our tabs and paying for everything. It’s like we have nothing holding us back anymore, no restrictions, no limits, and we’ve been set free.
Rainy days on the inside, sunny smiles on the flipside
Crashing waves and sinking ships,
She’s got the softest lips.
Take me over, bleed me dry
I’ll be just fine in my own world, keep me living in a fantasy
With all these days of partying, these days of celebration, everything was becoming a bit of a blur. I was having a hard time making sense of my head anymore.
This is not me.
This is not my heart.
This is not my body.
This is not what I wanted.
I couldn’t piece together everything that was going on right now, the world seemed disjointed. I did know that our tour was now over, we didn’t need to sleep in back seats and on people floors anymore.
Our label wanted us to go straight into the studio, which made sense, but after such a long tour the thought of a break plagued my mind. I was still new to all this. This tour was one of the first big musical things I had ever done. It would be fair to say that I had become addicted, but I needed to step back, I needed to take a look at things.
We also still didn’t have a proper manager or anything. We were just a local band that had suddenly been thrust into the corporate music world. I was being thrown head first into the recording world. This was what I wanted though, right?
flockmaster
Something wasn’t right, I could feel it, but there was nothing I could do. The annoying thing about having friends so far away is that when you knew something was wrong there wasn’t a whole lot you could do. You couldn’t just jump in the car and be at their house in a matter of minutes, you couldn’t even just pick up the phone and call, and you could barely do anything but be eaten alive with worry.
I had been working to try to keep my mind of everything, trying to let my worries drift to the back of my mind, but no matter how hard I tried they still stayed there, nagging at me.
It’s hard to feel so disjointed from all your friends when you think they need your help.
mywordsaremyfaith
This is exactly what I don’t need right now. On top of everything that is going on right now my mother has gone and made it all worse.
We’ve never had a good relationship, ever. In her eyes I am a failure, I’m ungrateful and I am doing nothing with my life.
And this is where I leave it for now, I know there is nothing new in there, but it will come I promise. I am just trying to get everything in order and get myself back into the story. Writer's Block is a bitch, I swear.
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